"Thanks, I'm Norm Macdonald and now 'The Fake News'."
"Our top story tonight, in court documents made public this week, independent counsel
Kenneth Starr told a federal judge that Hillary Clinton is now a
'central figure' in the Whitewater criminal probe. Reacting to the news,
President Clinton called the investigation a 'partisan witch hunt',
vowing 'If the First Lady is somehow convicted and has to go to jail, I will do
everything in my power to wait two weeks to start dating'."
"Meanwhile FBI Director Louis Freeh said this week that Attorney General Janet Reno
might have a conflict of interest in her investigation of Democratic fundraising.
Freeh also pointed out that Reno might have a conflict of interest between her X and Y
chromosomes." (picture of Janet Reno shown)
"There was some good news for Michael Kennedy this week when the parents of the
teenage babysitter, with whom he had a 5 year affair, decided not to pursue criminal
charges. However, a lawyer for the babysitter's family called Kennedy 'a sick, pathetic
individual,' while the County District Attorney described him as an 'alcoholic cradle robber'.
Meanwhile, kinder words came from his uncle, Senator Ted Kennedy, who called him
'an inspiration'."
"Real estate mogul Donald Trump announced this week that after three-and-a-half
years of marriage he is seeking a divorce from wife Marla Maples. According to
Trump, Maples violated a part of their marriage agreement when she decided to turn 30."
(Norm exclaims)"Unacceptable!"
"At their annual convention this week, board members of the National Rifle Association,
narrowly elected actor Charlton Heston, vice-president of the powerful gun lobby.
According to Heston, his first priority will be a push to legalise the hunting of those
'damn dirty apes'!"
"In Alabama, a new state law will dramatically increase the penalty for bouncing a check.
Note to self: Cancel summer vacation plans in Alabama. Find state more accommodating to the
Norm Macdonald lifestyle!"
"On Wednesday world chess champion Gary Kasparov tied Deep Blue, the IBM
supercomputer, that can examine 200 million positions per second, in the 4th game of their
six game series. Earlier in the week Kasparov admitted he made a catstrophic blunder in
game 2, when he failed to force a draw by moving rook to E8, opting instead for a Karocan
defense that soon transposed into a Fribble defense, which after Deep Blue moved bishop to
E7 gave him the advantage with the 9th position.
With all due respect to Kasparov: What the hell were you thinking?!!"
[skit with WU correspondent Dominican Lou{Tracy Morgan} on 'Chess']
"This week New York Senator Al D'Amato repeated his claim, that during the
second World War, Switzerland aided the Nazi war effort and helped launder
money stolen from Jews. These charges are the result of a lengthy, thorough
investigation by the Senator which proves 'beyond a shadow of a doubt' that New
York has lots and lots of Jewish voters, and no Swiss voters."
"Last weekend in Cleveland, the rock group Crosby, Stills & Nash was inducted
into the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame. In addition, a special lifetime
achievement award was presented to David Crosby's liver."
(picture of liver shown) "Congratulations David Crosby's liver."
"In other music news, Paul McCartney will take part in his first live online
chat May 17, and a record two-and-a-half million calls have already come in
from people hoping to have an actual moment of contact with the former Beatle.
Although it should be noted, that two million of those calls came from Ringo Starr."
"In Washington, D.C., public school officials are asking parents to pay for
needed equipment, such as a new state-of-the-art surveillance system that one
area school has requested. According to the school's principal, the new system
will help him monitor cheerleaders, that he claims like to vandalize school property
while showering."
"I don't think he is a good principal at all, that character."
"And in North Carolina, the Bowman Gray School of Medicine is looking for 20 habitual
marijuana smokers who they'll provide with free pot in order to study the effects
of the drug.
Note to self: Spend summer vacation at Bowman Gray School of Medicine, maybe take
Timmy Meadows along with you."
"In an attempt to secure federal funding, a rural Idaho county wants the State
Transportation Board to designate some of it's roads as 'back-country byways'.
To strengthen their case, local officials plan to sexually assault Ned
Beatty."
(picture of Ned Beatty from 'Deliverance' shown)
[skit with WU correspondent Will Ferrell{real} on Ellen's lesbian episode]
(disgusted upon revelation that Ellen DeGeneres is a real lesbian,
Will Ferrell vomits all over the WU desk)
"Well, in Albany, Nork York, Susan John has asked to resign as chairwoman of
the State Assembly Alcohol and Drug Abuse Committee following her arrest on
drunk-driving charges. On the bright side for Ms. John, she has been asked to
chair the Assembly's Committee on Irony."(weak applause)
"Note to self: Never ever, ever, follow a vomit-spewing guy with a joke."
(Norm scoops up some of the vomit and eats it, crowd cringes in disgust)
"It's good, it's quite good!"(licking his fingers) "Normally I don't like
Will Ferrell's vomit, but this is actually quite good!"
(still licking his fingers exclaims) "Let's just end it!"
"Folks, that's the news. Good night."
