The Late Show with David Letterman
SEPTEMBER 21, 1999 (CBS)

Norm Song

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Paul Shaffer and the band prepared a special intro song for Our Hero ... basically repeating his name over and over. Check it out.

Birthing Comedy

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DAVE: How was your summer? What'd you do? Anything good?

NORM: Ah, man. It was great. It was a lot of fun, I went, I have a little boy, ya know.

DAVE: How old's your son?

NORM: He's six years old.

DAVE: Oh, that's great.

NORM: I wanna say six, and he's uh (laughter) a lot of fun. I do things with him, ya know. We play and stuff.

DAVE: What do you do? What kinda things?

NORM: I took him to Disney World...

DAVE: Well there you go.

NORM: Down in Florida, you ever go there?

DAVE: No, I've never been there.

NORM: Oh, you don't have- you're barren. Not barren, but you don't have children. (laughter)

DAVE: That's right, I'm barren. I'm- I'm barren! I'm infertile! That's right, I can't possibly have children!

NORM: (laughing) No, I didn't mean that, I meant you don't have children.

DAVE: I don't have any currently, no. (pause, laughter)

NORM: So, but, I gotta tell you man, if you ever have kids, I hope you will, then you should take em to...

DAVE: Have you been talking to somebody at the lab, Norm? (laughter)

NORM: No, but Disney World is a beautiful place. You get to see...

DAVE: Yeah, so you took your- What's your son's name? Timmy?

NORM: Little Dylan.

DAVE: Oh, Dylan?

NORM: Yeah, yeah. Dylan.

DAVE: Named for Bob Dylan?

NORM: Yeah. I named him for Bob Dylan, and I thought, "Hey man, nobody's gonna be named Dylan, that's a cool name." Cause when I was a kid I always read Dylan, uh, uh, what's...

DAVE: Thomas?

NORM: Dylan Thomas, A Ch- A Child's Christmas in Wales. And uh, so I said, "Hey, nobody will have that name." And then everybody has that name, because they, they, they, they had that k- kid on 90210... This is too long, right? (laughter, light applause)

DAVE: Well, ya know, after that discussion of my fertility I don't much care. (laughter)

The Lioness Has No Clothes

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NORM: But they also have actual animals in a safari park.

DAVE: Oh yeah, wild, dangerous jungle beasts. (polite laughter)

NORM: Yeah. And you take your child through and you see, and it's a lot of fun except they don't tell ya... that they're not wearing any pants. (laughter) You know, like Goofy and Pluto, right? (laughter continues, light applause)

DAVE: What are you- What are you talking about?

NORM: Well, Goofy... You know how, you know...

DAVE: What in the world are you talking about? (laughter)

NORM: You know when you see Mickey Mouse, right?

DAVE: Mickey Mouse is a cartoon character.

NORM: He's- He's always got some trousers on.

DAVE: He always has pants on, that's right.

NORM: Right. Right. Well, the dangerous uh, lion and elephant, they have no pants on.

DAVE: Right. Because, those are real actual living beings. (laughter)

NORM: Right.

DAVE: They're not animated cartoon characters.

NORM: Exactly. But I'm a living being, I don't want my child to see my, ya know, uh, thing, right? (laughter) That's what I'm saying, I don't want my child, it's fine for you and me...

DAVE: A completely different species, Norm! A completely different species. It's a whole different deal, my friend.

NORM: Still... I'm not offended by it myself. But, children ask questions and you have- they go "What's that thing there between the uh, and y-, and- elephant? A big, giant, god-awful lookin' thing." (loud laughter, applause) I don't know.

DAVE: Sounds like you have a very special child, Norm.

NORM: No! Maybe you find it very attractive. (laughter)

DAVE: No, I don't find it attractive, it's just, I don't see it as a problem, it's just like, "It's a, it's a rhinoceros, Eddie. It's just a rhinoceros."

NORM: Right, but what would you say is the thing that, that...

DAVE: I just say it's, it's his some-, it's his wallet. (laughter) It's where he keeps his... It's his, his little- It's a shaving kit. That's where he keeps his... Some change and a comb.

NORM: Yeah. Maybe if you had a few more dollars in your wallet you'd have a kid. (laughter, cheers) I'm jokin'!

DAVE: You're jokin'! I know, you're jokin'.

NORM: No, because I heard, I was tryin' to make a [mumble]...

DAVE: Yeah, you were tryin' to make a [mumble]? Very nice. (laughter)

NORM: I bet you will have a nice kid one day. You'd be a great father.

DAVE: Oh yeah I hope to, yeah that'd be fun, I'd like to have a kid.

NORM: You'd be a good man...

DAVE: I hope he turns out just like you.

NORM: Aw... (laughter)

Bill Macy

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DAVE: How's the show? Are y'all excited about the premiere?

NORM: [strange sound of approval] (laughter)

DAVE: Yeah? What do you- what do you got coming up for us? What's new? What's happening on the show?

NORM: Um...

DAVE: You gotta have a hook. You gotta have a gimmick, my friend.

NORM: Yeah. Yeah. We're tryin' to get, my, the guy I'm doin' it with, ya know, he's the co-creator, this dude. He said, "We gotta get celebrities." Ya know? Guest...

DAVE: Guest stars?

NORM: Guest celebrities. Because a lot of the shows have celebrities, like I saw Dharma and Greg was on your show last night. Bob Dylan, gonna be on your show...

DAVE: That's right, exactly.

NORM: Yeah. And, uh, ya know Heidi Plum's (?) on another show. So anyways, I said, "Let's get some celebrities..."

DAVE: Good idea!

NORM: Yeah. And then it turned out they wanted me to phone celebrities. They said, "Do you have any celebrity friends you could phone?"

DAVE: Oh yeah. [laughs]

NORM: And I don't have any at all, I don't know anybody. (laughter)

DAVE: Do you, does that make you feel kinda wormy when you have to place that call? I hate doing stuff like that.

NORM: Yeah yeah yeah...

DAVE: Cause I know they don't wanna hear from me.

NORM: I got one guy.

DAVE: Oh really? Well that's good, so you're doing better than I would.

NORM: You know that guy that was Maude's husband? Played Maude's husband? (laughter)

DAVE: Yeah I do. Yeah.

NORM: Yeah. Bill Macy.

DAVE: Bill Macy, exactly, yeah.

NORM: So Bill Macy, he eats at this restaurant that I eat at... And he's across the way, so I say [laughing] "Hey pal! Listen man, you wanna be on that, that TV show I have?" He goes, [mimicking Macy] "Sure!" (laughter) So that'll be swee- I think we're doin' that in sweeps. (laughter, applause)

DAVE: Is he gonna be on? Really? [laughs] Well do you want him on?

NORM: Yeah! I love that guy! He goes, "Maude, sit!"

DAVE: Yeah. [laughs] And that's it, then.

NORM: Yeah that's g- only guy we got. But, I think, th- and the idea is that once Bill Macy does it, other guys'll wanna jump in.

DAVE: Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it'll start a firestorm.

"You Hate Me!"

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NORM: No, you know they take out "the". It's like "For Love of Game," that movie. "Love Game." They took- The actual expression is "for the love of the game."

DAVE: Right.

NORM: They took the "the"s out... To speed things up. (laughter) You didn't know that story?

DAVE: Yeah oh yeah, I knew that story. Oh sure, it's a g- oh, it's a great story.

NORM: [laughs] You hate me now because of the stuff about your testicles. (loud laughter, applause, cheers) I love you, you're my favorite guy!

DAVE: Norm, I could- I couldn't be more flattered when guests come on the show and discuss my testicles. (laughter, applause) It's one of my favorite things. It's certainly not discussed at home!

NORM: [laughs] I'll be great man, I'll be a good man next time. I always like to show you the respect. You're my favorite guy-

DAVE: What the hell happened with the suit to show me the respect?! Ya moron! What're you tryin' to pull here?! Ah, we're just- Ah, we're just kiddin' here...

NORM: No hey, congratulations on the Emmy. You have the funniest show on TV...

DAVE: Thank you very much.

NORM: And I feel bad. (heavy applause)

DAVE: Norm MacDonald, ladies and gentlemen. We'll be right back.

THANKS: Me for transcribing this appearance.