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THE FAKE NEWS (EE#15)
An e-zine for Norm Macdonald fans
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[ FROM THE EDITOR ]
Phew! There's lots of Norm news to get to, so I'll keep this
short. I'd like to send a shout out to WAYNE OHM. He
generously took time to transcribe Our Hero's recent "Late
Night" appearance. Additional volunteers are needed for
"Late Show," "Regis & Kathie Lee" and "The View."
Thanks to everyone for making more of an effort to
CLICK ON BANNERS displayed throughout the magazine.
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Your continued support is appreciated. Enjoy, -N!
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[ NEWS ]
Oct. 2 (The New York Post) -- It sounds too good to be true.
The New York Post's MICHAEL STARR reports that Norm
will host the October 23 edition of "Saturday Night Live." If
true, it would be his first featured appearance since January
1998 when he was removed from the "Weekend Update"
anchor desk in mid-season and without notice by then NBC
West Coast President DON OHLMEYER. Ohlmeyer, a close
friend of O.J. SIMPSON, never said publicly why he
objected to Macdonald -- but the comic's anti-O.J. jokes
reportedly played a role. He publicly denied that was the
reason. Norm was kept as a cast member for awhile, but was
unhappy and asked to be let out of his NBC contract. His
request was granted. Weeks later, Ohlmeyer declined to let
NBC take TV ads promoting "Dirty Work" -- a ban he was
later forced to lift by his superior. Ohlmeyer eventually left
NBC. Starr's unnamed insider says Norm was asked to host
"SNL" by the show's executive producer, LORNE
MICHAELS. No official word has been given by NBC and
Norm's reps failed to return several calls from The Post.
We're somewhat leery of getting our hopes up, as the
sensational New York tabloid isn't a source we readily trust.
But it's an honor Norm richly deserves.
--
Sept. 29 (The View) -- No parody could be as funny as the
actual View gals. BARBARA wasn't in da house, but LISA
LING was, so who's complaining. Not us. And certainly not
Norm, who had to divide his affections between her and his
regular Viewstress, MEREDITH VIEIRA. Of course, things
got nutty. During the "What's Your Problem?" segment, a
concerned viewer asked the girls what to do about her
strip-club-loving boyfriend. But 90s grrl Lisa suggested the
viewer just go to the club WITH her boyfriend, and quit
worrying so much. The older View cohosts (STAR JONES,
JOY BEHAR and Meredith) didn't agree -- while Norm
asked Lisa to marry him. Our Hero also did a bit where he
assigned TV ratings to various shows. For example,
"Dawson's Creek" got a "TV KP" for "Kiddie Porn."
Norm's "View" gigs are now must-see events.
o Check out the audio clips.
http://www.thefakenews.net/n/0929view.shtml
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Sept. 28 (The Fake News) -- They're everywhere! What the
hell are they? Yes, friends, it seems no one's safe from
POKEMON. And you'd think "Norm" would be a kid-free
zone ... being so dirty and all, but the little Japanese imports
will make their very first sitcom appearance as guest stars in
a live-action cold-sequence on the third episode, "Artie
Comes to Town." Tune in to see Laurie Metcalf as
BUTTERFREE, Ian Gomez as SQUIRTLE, PIKACHU (Ed
Gale), and guest star Colton James as Tommy who believes
he is ASH. We have no idea what any of this means, so
consult your nearest yard monster.
--
Sept. 27 (The Daily Show with Jon Stewart) -- We weren't
sure JON STEWART was the right choice to replace CRAIG
KILBORN as "Daily Show" anchor fella. But Jon's taken
the position to a whole new level, and it couldn't happen for
a nicer, more genuinely funny guy ... who happens to dig
porn. Norm and the short furry fella, discussed their mutual
interest in selfgratification with the aid of Spectravision. Our
Hero lamented the relative softcore nature of the skin flicks
(no onscreen insertion shots, etc.) piped into hotel rooms.
However, the most disturbing part of the rather frank
discussion was when Norm described "wacking off" and
being confronted -- at a very critical moment -- by the
presence of prop comic BRUCE BAUM. Beyond that, the
interview went fairly well, but didn't cover any ground not
touched upon in other recent interviews. Norm was more
alert than he seemed to be during his last "Daily Show"
appearance, earlier this year.
o Listen to the horrifying tale.
http://www.thefakenews.net/n/a/0927daily.ram
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Sept. 26 (Saturday Night Live) -- Those poor celebrities.
They're always having to go to these long, arduous events.
The Academy Awards. The Emmys. The Saturday Night
Live 25th Anniversary special. There were highs. There were
lows. Lots of laughs, and plenty of groans. Typical SNL
fare. And somewhere near the end of the three-hour
extravaganza, Our Hero made his appearance (his first since
leaving the show more than a year ago). CHEVY CHASE
was very funny as he described first conceiving "Weekend
Update" -- only to be interrupted by DENNIS MILLER,
"You may of knocked her up, but I married her." Then there
was Norm, in street clothes, who wandered onstage, "I was
just sitting at home watching the TV. Is there something
going on here tonight?" Oh, sure, he WAS invited, but it was
a funny gag to suggest he wasn't. Chevy had barbs for both
Dennis and Norm, which we hope were meant in good fun.
o Listen for yourself ...
http://www.thefakenews.net/n/a/0926SNL25th.ram
--
Sept. 23 (Late Night with Conan O'Brien) -- Um, Norm,
you can't say that!!! It was another hilarious "Late Night"
appearance, complete with whore stories and other material
not appropriate for the ears of little old ladies. But, damn,
was it funny. Our Hero told a story supposedly from his
youth, that closely mirrored that of an episode of his sitcom,
"My Name is Norm." He also pleaded with ANDY
RICHTER to really consider keeping his gig, "sitting on a
couch for a living." Norm finished off his second segment
with a story about his "Uncle" that ended with a surprise
F-bomb. But, as is often the case, probably his funniest
moment was during the next guests' segment -- SEAN
HAYES of Will & Grace -- when Norm interrupted with a
story about "his buddy" and a Las Vegas whore. " ... She
said, 'I'm going to go into the bathroom to get a towel to
wipe off your [balls]' -- ," that's when the crowd and Conan
went completely nuts. And again, those poor little old ladies
in the audience had to hear it. Very funny. Either Norm
genuinely "forgets" he's on NATIONAL TELEVISION, or
he does a great job faking his naivete.
o Check out the audio and transcript.
http://www.thefakenews.net/n/0923conan.shtml
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Sept. 22 (Total Request Live) -- Avid readers will know we
don't think much of CARSON DALY. But a lot of that stems
from the fact that, until recently, he'd been handling up on
JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT'S BREASTS on a regular
basis. So, huzah to Norm for standing him up on TRL. It
seems Norm was up all night playing poker, and was just too
tuckered out from two morning appearances to wake his
gambler ass up. Truth be told -- and maybe we were
hyp-mo-tized by the BRITNEY SPEARS and MARIAH
CAREY videos -- but Carson actually handled the situation
pretty well. It wasn't until 40 minutes into the 90 minute
broadcast that the first hint surfaced that Norm wasn't going
to show. From there, each break became a "Where's Norm?"
check ... "He's asleep in his hotel room ... " then, "This is
the time when we'd show Norm in our photo booth ... "
then, "Here you go audience, eat these snacks we were going
to offer Norm ... " then, "We think we might be able to get
him on the phone." Finally, with the show almost over they
presented A Guy Named Norm, who not only stood in for
Our Hero, but plugged the season premiere and showed a
clip. The whole situation was fairly amusing, especially with
the luxury of a fast-forward button.
o Listen to A Guy Named Norm ...
http://www.thefakenews.net/n/a/0922trl.ram
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Sept. 22 (Live! with Regis & Kathie Lee) -- Norm has a
thing for KATHIE LEE GIFFORD. That was pretty much
established last year, during the "Dirty Work" tour. But the
last time he was on "Live!," BERNADETTE PETERS was
guest hosting in place of Kathie Lee. This appearance, Norm
walked across the stage and hugged Cody's mom for the
longest time, telling her under the applause that he likes her a
lot more than Bernadette. Puppy love aside, he did slip in a
requested joke from HOWARD STERN. There's been a
rumor buzzing around, that on many occasions Kathie Lee
goes braless on her show. She was talking about the effects
of marijuana use, when Norm added, "Yeah, and it makes
you never wear a bra." She laughed and gave him a
knowing, "You smart ass" wink ... while Regis grinned
nervously, not sure what to say. Talk eventually turned to
"Who Wants to be a Millionaire," which will preempt
"Norm" for two weeks during November sweeps. Norm and
Regis did a parody of the popular game show, including a
"life line" phone call. It was a pretty good appearance, until
he called the kid from "Life Goes On" retarded.
o Check out the audio clips.
http://www.thefakenews.net/n/0922regis.shtml
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Sept. 22 (The Howard Stern Show) -- Unfortunately, we
here in Dallas lost "The Howard Stern Show" in 1997. But
MARK MERCER of the famous Mark's Friggin Howard
Stern Stuff files this report: Comedian Norm Macdonald and
his friend Artie Lange came in this morning. Norm's TV
show ''Norm'' has its season premiere tonight at 8:30 p.m.
on ABC. When Norm came in Howard noticed that he has a
new look. He thought ABC must have done something to
him but Norm said he just got a new hair cut. Artie comes in
with Norm every time he's on the show. Artie said that he'll
be on ''Norm'' this season starting on the third week. Norm
sounded kind of out of it this morning and it turns out he was
up all night playing cards. Norm likes to gamble so Howard
spent some time talking to him about that. Norm said that he
won $9,000 betting on some baseball games. When he
played cards last night he lost a mere $1,100. Howard also
brought up something he found on the web about the size of
Norm's penis. He read that Norm has a huge penis and it's
even bigger than MILTON BERLE's. Norm didn't really
confirm or deny the rumor. He did tell a story about how he
went out with a woman one time and she thought it was huge
but he thinks it was an optical illusion because she was drunk
at the time. That led to Howard asking Norm about dating.
Norm claims that he doesn't date, he just whacks off a lot.
He's divorced from his wife but lives only a few blocks from
her now. He said it's great because he gets to visit his kid a
lot. Howard added ''... and you can bring the kid back to the
wife when you're sick of him ... '' but Norm didn't go along
with that. Howard said he also heard that ABC has been
pressuring Norm to get his big Hollywood friends to appear
on his show to raise the ratings. Norm said that was true and
he even made a call to EDDIE MURPHY to try and get him
on. Eddie told him he'd think about it. Norm said someone
told him he should ask Howard to do the show but then said
just ask Jackie or Robin and Howard will talk about it and
that will get the ratings. The subject of the Saturday Night
Live 25th Anniversary show also came up. Norm said he's
been invited but he doesn't know if he's going to do it or
not. He said he'd have to come up with something funny
first. He told Howard that everyone who's been on the show
is invited so Howard could do it. Eventually Howard had to
start wrapping things up so he took a few phone calls for
Norm. One guy called in and said he saw Norm with a hot
blonde at a casino in Las Vegas. The guy had the right casino
and time but Norm still wasn't talking about dating. Howard
said he must just be lying about dating. He just doesn't talk
about it. He wouldn't talk about the hot blonde either. At first
he said she must have just been a woman at the table he was
at but the caller said he was stalking Norm that night and saw
him walking around with her. Gary came in and told Howard
that Norm had to get going because he's supposed to do
Regis and Kathie Lee. Howard then started coming up with
ideas for him to do when he's on there. He suggested that
Norm ask Kathie Lee if she's wearing a bra today. Norm
said he'd do it but then Howard started giving other
outrageous ideas. He said Norm could congratulate Kathie
Lee on the whole sweat shop thing or just walk on with a bra
in his hand and tell her to put it on. He also said that Norm
should ask her ''Do you hate Howard more on TV or
radio?'' or ''Have you ever had a three-way with a
she-male?'' Howard said he could also ask Kathie Lee how
her son ''Howard. I mean, Cody'' is doing or ''Have you
seen Regis' penis?'' Norm said most of those suggestions
were a little too crazy for him to do.
--
Sept. 21 (The Late Show) -- ROBIN WILLIAMS. Norm
Macdonald. Could there be two more different comedic
styles? Robin bounced off the walls for two segments going
for broad yucks, while peddling his new movie that's
nothing like -- wink, wink, nudge, nudge -- "Life is
Beautiful." The audience loved him. Letterman on the other
hand, well, he seemed genuinely more amused with Norm.
Basically, Our Hero shared the same anecdotes as he did on
"The Tonight Show" over a year ago. But while JAY LENO
just sat there puzzled, laughing, but not really getting the
weird wit Norm was throwing down that night -- Dave was
right in the middle, drawing Our Hero out. And what
resulted was actually a lot fresher and impromptu than the
scripted, but funny exchange with Leno. It's great to watch
Norm and Dave together, because there's clearly a mutual,
comedic admiration. Oh, we did pick up a bit of "Norm"
news, apparently BILL MACY of the '70s television series
"Maude" will make a guest appearance.
o Check out the audio clips.
http://www.thefakenews.net/n/0921lateshow.shtml
[ APPEARANCES ]
o "One Night Stand" rerun on Oct. 17 (COM).*
o "Dennis Miller" rerun (5.9.98) on Oct. 20 (HBO).*
o "Chris Rock Show" appearance on Oct. 29 (HBO).
* Available in archive.
[ NORM ]
This week ... Episode 13: "Artie Comes to Town" -- Norm's
life is turned upside down when his half-brother, Artie
Henderson (ARTIE LANGE), arrives in New York City for
a surprise visit.
--
Next week ... Episode 14: "Norm vs. Death" -- When
Danny's dad dies suddenly, Norm is faced with his greatest
fear -- death; and Danny is shocked to learn the secret of his
father's double life.
--
"Norm" tapings are scheduled for October 8, 15 and 29. As
of presstime, tickets were still available for all three dates. If
you're going to be in the Burbank area, visit our friends at
AUI and snag some free tickets:
o Audiences Unlimited, Inc.: "Norm"
http://www.tvtickets.com/magic.acgi$ShowDetail?ID=64
[ ARCHIVE ]
Probably the best article written about Norm was by DAVID
EGGERS for Esquire magazine. The piece isn't entirely
glowing, but we are brought along for Our Hero's post-SNL
standup tour. Along the way, Eggers delves into the quirky
mind of a comic on the comeback trail.
o "The end of civilization" (June 1998)
http://www.thefakenews.net/n/esquire.shtml
--
Explore our extensive ARCHIVE ...
http://www.thefakenews.net/n/archive.shtml
[ LAUGHS ]
"A new CIA study may reveal that as many as 15,000 U.S.
troops were exposed to Iraqi chemical weapons during the
Gulf War. Although their exposure took place in March of
1991, the debilitating effects were not discovered until
November of 1992, when all 15,000 voted for ROSS
PEROT."
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"The October issue of Penthouse, now on newsstands,
contains a picture billed as 'The Alien: the World's First
Authentic Photograph.' A survey of Penthouse readers finds
that 60 percent think the photo is a fake while only 40 percent
think it's real. All 100 percent however found it
'Surprisingly easy to masturbate to.' "
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MTV: "This wasn't my idea, but my buddy did it when we
were in college. We sent these dudes at this fraternity we
didn't like a big bunch of doughnuts. And then they ate the
doughnuts. And underneath the doughnuts we had a Polaroid
of me and my buddy with the doughnuts on our [penises.]"
--
Check out more LAUGHS ...
http://www.thefakenews.net/n/laughs.shtml
[ CONTEST ]
The 23rd Caption Contest winner is ... DAVE GRASSO!!!
The next round is already underway. Get your entries in by
the October 21st deadline and win a copy of one of our
crappy, yet remarkably cool Norm videos.
o Check out Dave Grasso's caption.
http://www.thefakenews.net/n/winner23.shtml
o Test your wit in the current contest.
http://www.thefakenews.net/n/contest.shtml
--
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noitidE liamE eht wenk ohW
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