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ates A Client" 10.1 rating/16 share - 9,996,000 viewers o Lowest Rating: Episode 5: "My Name is Norm" 7.5 rating/11 share - 7,455,000 viewers [ ARCHIVE ] ALEX BROADBENT is an outstanding contributor ... he keeps me up-to-date on Norm's visits on "The Howard Stern Show" and other stuff. He recently sent me a video of tons of cool junk (lots of which will eventually make the magazine.) But this can't wait ... o Check out Norm's FIRST "Weekend Update." http://www.thefakenews.net/n/update1st.shtml [ LAUGHS ] "In San Francisco last week a birthday party for one of the area's leading political figures, attended by the city's mayor, the sheriff, and members of the board of supervisors, culminated with a performance in which a dominatrix used a razor blade to carve a satanic star into the back of her male partner, then urinated on him, before finally sodomizing the man with a liquor bottle. After learning of the incident from press reports, San Franciscans expressed shock and outrage that the liquor bottle was not recycled." -- Maxim magazine: "Inattentive Landlord -- Your landlord is a grade A scumbucket. The toilet overflows, the ceiling is crumbling, the fridge doesn't work, you get electric shocks when you turn on the light, and the only time he comes around is when the rent is due. -- Realistically, with a guy like this, I'd say you're pretty hosed. You could take him to court, and who knows, you might walk away with a few hundred bucks. But then he'd find new ways to make your life miserable. So call him up and cordially give a month's notice. When the landlord asks whether you'd mind if he shows your apartment to prospective tenants before you move out, graciously accommodate him. Tell him you know how busy he is, and if he wants to simply send the tenants over, you'll be more than happy to show them around. Next, go shopping: Buy a gallon of red paint, 15 feet of rope, a few large jars, 30 packs of Jell-O, and a bottle of chocolate syrup. Finally, stop by your friendly neighborhood butcher shop and pick up generous portions of liver and brain, as well as a large shank bone and a few hoofs. It's time to redecorate, and you're about to become the Martha Stewart of the satanic set. Mix the chocolate syrup with the red paint, stirring vigorously until it congeals to a bloodlike consistency. Paint the walls with messages like "SATAN is mY Christ" and "This iS WHERE I MurDered Mary." Use any remaining paint to create a large pentagram on the floor. Urinate in the jars, place the liver, brain, and hoofs inside, and display them on a windowsill where they'll catch the light. Fashion the rope into a noose, position the shank bone inside the knot, and hang the whole thing ceremoniously in the center of the kitchen. Lit candles and Gregorian chants will only add to the ambiance when you take the would-be tenants on a tour. And the Jell-O? Nothing to do with devil worship. Just dump it in the toilet tank and let it harden. " [ CONTEST ] The 19th contest is in progress. Get your entries in by the May 29th deadline and win a copy of one of our crappy, yet remarkably cool Norm videos. o Try your hand at our current contest. http://www.thefakenews.net/n/contest.shtml - There was some discussion in the NormForum about a photo contest, where "TFN" readers would send in their photos to win a prize (probably BOTH Norm tapes.) My inclination is to put all the received photos in a hopper an choose a male and female winner. And post their photo and some sort of message from them to Norm. As you can see, the contest isn't quite formed completely in my head. So, if you have a suggestion. Please drop me a note. -- THE FAKE NEWS http://www.thefakenews.net editor -- Advertising information: ads -- REMOVAL: Go to our site, enter your address under the headline EMAIL EDITION, select UNSUBSCRIBE and click SUBMIT. We'll miss you. -30-