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was far better showcased on the WB. On "TNS," he comes off as a cleaned up ARTIE LANG (Norm's "Dirty Work" pal.) He deserves better. Wait ... ZUZU, the official wiener dog of "The Fake News," wants me to praise the work of Norm's clever, low-riding sidekick. But don't go strapping a mop to YOUR dachshund -- use duct tape. "Norm Dates a Client" also features a must-see doggie CPR demonstration. The future of "The Norm Show" remains to be seen ... hopefully, we'll at least be treated to ABC's 10-episode order. Critical opinion seems split, leaning toward disapproval. o Read reviews of "The Norm Show." http://www.thefakenews.net/n/critics2.html -- March 24 (Total Request Live) -- Graduate from high school in the last, oh ... year? Want to feel old? Tune in for the weekday whip known as "Total Request Live." You'll be served the 10 most requested videos of the day (so we're led to believe) -- a mixture of crap and, well, crap. Thankfully we were spared the yabbering CARSON DALY, who's wit still hasn't progressed beyond that of your average freshwater trout. And we all know why HE wasn't there! It's because he's dating JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT'S BREASTS -- they HATE Norm and undoubtably forbade Daly to go near Our Hero. Hewitt's Breasts first battled Norm last summer when their movie "Can't Hardly Wait" smothered "Dirty Work" at the box office -- and they threaten to do the same in markets where "Party of Five" airs during "The Norm Show" time slot. But we digress. Instead of Daly, we got the fairly competent VJ and "TRL" guest-host DAVE HOLMES (no not that Holmes) who seems to dig Norm's scene. They chatted about New York watering holes and Norm even gave acting tips to a fella on the street. Oh, and apparently his handlers told him the kids say "sweet" a lot. o Check out the audio and transcript. http://www.thefakenews.net/n/0324TRL.html -- March 24 (The Howard Stern Show) -- Unfortunately, we here in Dallas lost "The Howard Stern Show" in 1997. But MARK MERCER of the famous "Mark's Friggin Howard Stern Stuff" files this report: Norm Macdonald Comes In. 3/24/99. 9:20am Comedian Norm Macdonald came in to promote his new TV show "The Norm Show" which premieres tonight on ABC at 9:30. Norm had his usual assortment of wacky stories to tell about his bizarre life. He's been telling Howard that he's been married all of these years but Howard finally found out today that he's separated from his wife. They only live 2 blocks from each other so Norm can still visit his son easily. Howard had all kinds of weird notes about Norm also. Norm claims that he's got about 6 inches of penis when he's flaccid but it stays the same size when he's aroused. Norm claims that he doesn't date since he got separated from his wife. Howard found that a little bizarre. Norm also told a story about how he ran through an orchestra on DAVID LETTERMAN's show and fell on a flutist. He ended up breaking her finger and her very expensive flute. There was a whole lawsuit filed over it but it was settled and Norm didn't have to pay anything. Norm's buddy ARTIE LANG was hanging out in the green room so Howard had him come in also. Artie used to be on "Mad TV" until he was fired for drug use. Artie will be in a movie coming out this fall called "The Bachelor." There were also two women, Laura and Lou, hanging out waiting to meet Norm so Howard brought them in. He said they looked like housewives but Artie seemed interested in them. They claimed that they were big fans of Norm's but they didn't even go to see his movie "Dirty Work" when it was out. They did say that they spit at the TV when COLIN QUINN took over for Norm on Saturday Night Live. They said that they'll be taping "The Norm Show" tonight because they're not sure how long it'll be on the air. Not a lot of confidence for Norm fans. There was a lot of other things going on during this segment. They spent time talking about Norm's gambling habit and about how Norm once received only a quarter of a star on an international "Star Search" show. He said it was a really bad two minutes for him. Norm's co-star on "The Norm Show" is LAURIE METCALF who used to be on "ROSEANNE." Norm used to write for the show and when Howard asked him if he ever banged Roseanne he just kind of laughed but didn't deny it. Norm said that they've got an order for 10 shows and 7 of them have been shot so far. SAM SIMON, executive producer of "The Simpsons," directed most of the episodes shot so far. Norm and Artie both told Howard that the new format for the Saturday night show is great and all of their friends tell them they tune away from "Saturday Night Live" to watch it. TV Guide's RICH BROWN was also listening and has this report: He plays a social worker on ABC's The Norm Show, but it sounds like star Norm Macdonald would be more suitable playing the guy who tells his troubles on the couch. The former Saturday Night Live funnyman told real-life tales of gambling, throwing punches and dealing with one particularly scary fan during an appearance on Wednesday's Howard Stern Show. Macdonald, who happens to play a guy with a gambling problem on his new sitcom, admits that during a recent visit to New York's Mayfair Club he lost $3,900 playing poker with a couple of pros. "I just like gambling," he says. "I don't care about winning." Macdonald says he once won almost $100,000 betting on college basketball, but he wasn't able to collect on the bets because his bookie skipped town. "You have no recourse. How the hell am I going to break the guy's legs?" Macdonald also talked about a creepy male stalker who has bombarded him with phone calls since meeting him on a New York street. And he admitted to a tendency to engage in the occasional roughhousing: "I don't like to fight, but when I get drunk, I fight." -- March 23 (The Daily Show) -- Norm had praise for JON STEWART saying he's a lot better than CRAIG KILBORN, "I didn't like that other guy." Other than that, he didn't have a whole lot to say. Stewart scrambled to get him to hurry up and talk during the 4-minute interview. They reminisced about the recent Comedy Arts Festival in Aspen, "where everybody's a f- ... uhh, uhh comedian" and there's very little oxygen. And before splitting, Norm explained the difference between the networks. CBS is run by "a bunch of fucking Columbians!" o Check out the audio and transcript. http://www.thefakenews.net/n/0323daily.html -- March 23 (Live! with Regis and Kathie Lee) -- KATHIE LEE wasn't there to admire Norm's eyes again, but bubbly "Annie Get Your Gun" star BERNADETTE PETERS giggled enough to earn her keep as guest hostess. Our Hero charmed the audience, while goofing on CLINTON, working out and his own rising star. REGIS ran the "POPEYE clip," and asked what would be different about "The Norm Show" than other sitcoms. Norm joked, "Nothing. It's exactly the same." TOM GREEN also guested and freaked folks out. In between weirdness, Tom told Regis he grew up only a few blocks from Norm's old stomping grounds. o Check out the audio and transcript. http://www.thefakenews.net/n/0323regis.html -- March 22 (The Late Show) -- Let's say you were a guest on "The Late Show" four times last year, and here you are again. You've got this new show to plug and you really want folks to notice. What to do? Phone up controversial boxing promoter DON KING, that's what! Norm limped through his first talk show appearance in almost nine months, but eventually came to life -- when DAVID LETTERMAN actually let the man talk. You see, Dave found it hard to contain his enthusiasm for "The Norm Show" which he calls "unbelievably funny" and predicts will be a "huge hit." But Our Hero did squeeze in a couple amusing stories about his move to El Lay and seeing "Life Is Beautiful." The real fun came during the second segment, when Norm confessed he isn't comfortable promoting himself, "I'd rather just talk and tell stupid stories." So, he asks if his manager could come out and pitch the show -- out walks Don King to the cheers of the crowd, and the astonishment of Letterman: "NORM MACDONALD, Y'ALL! ... He put the 'C' in comedy, the 'L' in Levity. He's Norm Macdonald! And it's our show on Wednesday night, 9:30, on ABC! I'm excited!" You get the idea. Dave apparently lost some money on the EVANDER HOLYFIELD-LENNOX LEWIS bout, because his first question was, "Don shouldn't you be out fixing fights?" Just shows how a clever stunt can make for very amusing television. o Check out the audio and transcript. http://www.thefakenews.net/n/0322lateshow.html -- March 22 (The Fake News) -- It won't be due to lack of promotion by ABC if "The Norm Show" fails. Our Hero's sitcom was featured in no fewer than four promos during the 71st Academy Awards -- two specifically touting its premiere. We realize not all of you sat through the nearly 4-hour brouhaha -- you may have missed WHOOPI GOLDBERG dropping an S-bomb during herng monologue, wacky Italian ROBERTO BENIGNI tap dancing on BILLY BOB THORNTON's head, or STEPHEN SPIELBERG sitting bewildered as "Shakespeare in Love" walked away with his Best Picture Oscar -- so, here's the two "TNS" promos presented via G2 RealVideo. o View Promo 1: Employment Office. http://www.thefakenews.net/n/v/TNSpromo_employ.ram o View Promo 2: Angel Dust. http://www.thefakenews.net/n/v/TNSpromo_idiot.ram o Download a free copy of G2 Real Player. http://www.real.com/products/player -- March 19 (The Fake News) -- "The Fake News" correspondent RUSSELL WILDE gives us a first-hand account from the March 19 taping of "The Norm Show." Read it, but beware it contains spoilers. o Read our insider's report. http://www.thefakenews.net/n/0322lateshow.html [ APPEARANCES ] It's rumored Norm will appear on "Dennis Miller Live" this Friday. If confirmed, we'll post it on our front page. o Profile in March 26 issue of Entertainment Weekly.* o Extensive article in April 15 issue of Rolling Stone. o "One Night Stand" rerun on April 17, 27 (COM).* * Available in archive. [ THE NORM SHOW ] This week ... "Norm Dates a Client" -- Norm learns not to mix business with pleasure when he realizes the woman he1s dating is a client of Laurie's. Meanwhile, Laurie and Danny try to help a client overcome his water phobia so that he will take a shower and rid himself of his horrendous body odor. [ ARCHIVE ] Thanks to the generosity of MATT HERBERT, the pants-less guy, we're pleased to bring you some of Norm's funniest moments with CONAN O'BRIEN. This week ... o "Late Night with Conan O'Brien," January 1996 http://www.thefakenews.net/n/0196conan.html -- "Entertainment Weekly" featured Norm within their pages ... both in print and online: o EW Online Q&A http://www.thefakenews.net/n/week3.html o Entertainment Weekly: "HARDCORE NORM" http://www.thefakenews.net/n/week2.html [ LAUGHS ] "After months of speculation, sitcom star ELLEN DEGENERES finally admitted that yes, she's gay. Inspired by her courage, today, diet-guru RICHARD SIMMONS admitted that he is really, really, really gay." -- "The White House says that surviving relatives of those who died in a 40-year-old federal study which allowed men infected with syphilis to go untreated, will get an official apology from PRESIDENT CLINTON. According to the President, 'If not for the sacrifices made by these brave men, I would not be alive today.' " -- "My uncle Phil ... he's a good man, uncle Phil. ... He's a Jack of all trades. He was telling me, he said, "The problem is you're not really appreciated for any single thing. Because you're so good at so many things." So, he says to me one time, "Norm." We were just walking through his town of Monkland, Maine. And we were just walking through the town. He's an old fella. He's 80. Eighty years young, he says. He goes, "Norm, you see that barn over there?" I look over, and there's a barn. And I go, "Yeah. Yeah." He goes, "I built that barn with my own hands. All by myself. But, do they say, 'There's Phil the barn builder'? No, sir!" I say, "Yeah. Yeah." He goes, "Look over there. See that weather balloon?" [Laughter.] He says, "Norm, you don't know this about me, but I was one of the first men ever to fly in a weather balloon. But, do they say, 'Hey, there goes Phil the weather balloon pioneer'? NO!" He says, "Look over there. There's a bakery that I started. That dirty bastard Bob has it now, but I'm the guy that started that bakery!" And I go, "Alright, alright. Easy." [Laughter.] He goes, "I started that bakery, and I was the best baker. But does anybody go, 'Oh, there goes Phil the great baker'? NO! -- But, let me tell you something, Norm. You have sex with ONE GOAT!" [Laughter.] And he says, "They say, 'There goes Phil the dirty goat ... ' " [Laughter.]" [ CONTEST ] Our latest Caption Contest winner was announced this week. JIMMY ROBINSON rose to the top of more than 200 entrants. For his effort he will receive a copy of our second crappy, yet cool "Norm Tape." The next contest is already underway, so enter today. o Caption Contest #18 http://www.thefakenews.net/n/contest.html -- THE FAKE NEWS http://www.thefakenews.net editor -- REMOVAL: Go to our site, enter your address under the headline EMAIL EDITION, select UNSUBSCRIBE and click SUBMIT. We'll miss you. -30-