"According to a new CNN poll, Republican candidate Bob Dole now trails
President Clinton by 15 points. A Dole campaign spokesman says that, despite
these numbers, it is still possible for them to reach their ultimate goal to
lose by seven points."
"While jogging on the beach in San Diego this weekend, President Clinton was
berated by tourist Valerie Parker who shouted at him, 'You're a draft-dodging,
yellow-bellied liar and you're a disgrace to the office of the presidency, to
your gender and to this nation!' adding, 'And I'm still voting for you.' "
"During a recent interview on '20/20,' longtime O.J. Simpson friend Robert
Kardashian said he now believes Simpson may be guilty. Though he did add that,
had he believed O.J. was guilty at the time, he would never have agreed to
hide his bloody clothes and knife."
"Joycelyn Elders' new book, 'Joycelyn Elders M.D.' came out this week. I read
it." (Norm mimics masturbation motion)
"This week, London tabloids reported that model Jerry Hall has filed for
divorce from Mick Jagger, ending a twenty-year relationship. Although I'm sure
this is a difficult time for Mick, it must be kind of exciting after twenty
years to finally get a chance to sleep with other women."
"Meanwhile, Bob Dole brought his struggling presidential campaign to New
Jersey vowing, in his words, to prove Yogi Berra was right when he said, 'It
ain't over 'til it's over.' Reached for comment, Yogi Berra said, 'It's over'."
"After a fifteen-year absence, the New York Yankees are back in the World
Series and some New Yorkers have come up with a novel way of snagging those
hard-to-come-by tickets: murdering guys with tickets and stealing them."
[skit with WU correspondent Harry Carray{Will Ferrell}]
"The New York Post reported last week that a prostitute charged with leaving
her four youngest children alone in their roach-infested Brooklyn apartment
had been under investigation for years as a negligent mother. What's more,
apparently the woman was also a really lousy prostitute."
"Last week, a buyer in Oman payed $390,000 for a camel, the highest price ever
payed for a camel. Even in the middle east, many are wondering why anyone
would pay that much ... (looking at picture) Good god, that's a sexy camel."
"In Virginia, police are looking for a stripper who stabbed a man for telling
her she was too fat to strip. Police warn that the woman is armed and
extremely fat."
"In England, a much publicized videotape of a naked Princess Diana having sex
with her lover Captain James Hewitt has turned out to be a fake. On the bright
side, it's still a video of two naked people having sex."
"And in Brunswick, Maine an outbreak of the deadly canine parvo virus has led
to the local humane society killing many of its dogs. Gee, I wonder if the
humane society would kill off victims of canine parvo if, instead of dogs,
they were rich old white guys." ("Applaud Now" flashes on the screen)
"And finally, 'Weekend Update' would like to congratulate Madonna, who gave
birth to a beautiful baby girl last Monday. The baby weighed in at six pounds,
nine ounces, making it the fourth largest object ever to pass through
Madonna's birth canal. Congratulations Madonna."
