DIRTY SEX IN THE NEWS

This segment is available in RealAudio format. (97k/45.9 secs.)

REGIS: Do you still read the papers everyday?

NORM: No, papers I don't like reading the newspapers.

REGIS: So that was really a chore for you then to get ready.

NORM: Especially now its boring kind on account they don't have any dirty sex anymore.

REGIS: It's just dull old news.

NORM: You know everyone would say America can't wait for this sex scandal to get over with so they can talk about the real issues. I swear to god, Regis. I've never in my life walked into a room two people talking about the deficit.

REGIS: No, I haven't heard that either.

NORM: I've had a like a couple conversations about the deficit. I'll say to a buddy of mine, "Hey the deficit. What the hell is that anyway?" Then my buddy will go, "I don't know."

HIRING A PERSONAL TRAINER

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REGIS: Do you belong to a health club?

NORM: I don't know, I went to this guy's, it was right besides my house. What do you call it a --

REGIS: A gym

NORM: I don't know a lot of words, Regis. But there was a trainer, everyone is getting one of these trainers. So I say to myself I'll get myself a trainer. So I said to the guy, I says to him, I says to him, I say to him, I says to him. My dad does that when he tells a story he says "I says" to many times. I says to the guy, I says to him, I says, says, says, "I've never really worked out in my life. I've never really exercised." I've had weights once but they were really very heavy. So my mom actually got them for me when I was a kid for Christmas and I couldn't even get them out of the box. I got them in a box for a Christmas present and they were heavy. So anyways, I go to this gym and there is this trainer and "Listen, buddy, don't work me out hard. You know what I mean." He goes, "Don't worry. I know how to do it." So I am doing these where you lie on your back.

REGIS: Bench press

NORM: Yeah, I'm like oh my god it's hard and the guy's like counting me and "You'll do ten and 1, and 8,9,10 and two more." The guy says.

REGIS: Right.

NORM: So I says, "No, I did ten!" So anyway, I got all woozy running from machine to machine. I say, "Hey, we got to stop."

REGIS: It's not for you.

NORM: Then I barfed. I had a huge barf.

BERNADETTE: You're not supposed to eat right before.

NORM: I had a huge thing of Denny's right before. You can eat there for every meal, Denny's.

REGIS: Yeah.

NORM: Now after I barfed the guy says to me take five minutes get some juice. I just barfed, I didn't know maybe it was systematic. I had no idea. "I'll get me a grape juice," and then I zipped out the back. Then everyday I had to avoid that gym which is right besides my house. I'm getting a leg cramp just thinking about it.

THE NORM SHOW

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REGIS: How did you come up with this concept. Is this really your show, did you think of this?

NORM: No, this other guy Bruce Helford and uh, we both came up with different ideas. Like he came up with the idea of social work stuff and I came up with the idea uh, calling my character Norm.

NORM'S RISING STAR

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REGIS: Here you are, Norm, one of Hollywood's biggest stars already.

NORM: What?!

REGIS: Don't you think?

NORM: I wouldn't say that. I'd think first there is Arnold Schwartzengager --

REGIS: Yeah, those guys.

NORM: I'm in the top 5,000 of them.

THANKS: Jonathan Russell for transcribing this appearance.