"Our top story tonight: Texaco Oil, reeling from the public outcry over racist remarks made by some of it's
top executives at a tape recorded meeting, today announced a dramatic change in company policy: No more
tape recorded meetings!"
"Meanwhile the US Army is dealing with a scandal of it's own, as dozens of female recruits have charged
drill instructors with sexual harrassment, intimidation and even sexual assault. Analysts are calling it
the best argument yet for gays in the military."
"Attorney General Janet Reno has assembled a taskforce to determine whether federal campaign finance
laws were violated by Democrats, Republicans or both. Another taskforce will attempt to determine whether
Attorney General Janet Reno is a man, a women or both."
"This week in a secret ceremony in Australia, Michael Jackson was married for the second time. Asked
what makes his new bride special, the King of Pop responded: 'She has taught me the power of imagination.
Like imagining that a grown women is a 10 year old boy."(Mixed reactions from the audience).
"You know he's a homosexual pedophile, right? You understand...?"(big applause)
"And yes it's true, Michael Jackson is going to be a father. Already he has hired an entire staff of
nannys, nurses and extra bodyguards which will hopefully protect the child from Michael Jackson!"
"This weekend veteran newsanchor David Brinkley apologized to Bill Clinton for an election night
commentary in which he called the president 'boring and uncreative'. Admitted Brinkley: 'There was absolutely
nothing uncreative about the way you moved Vince Foster's body!' "(Mixed reaction from the crowd)
"The president is a murderer, you didn't know that?!!"
"Nikki Varcudas(sp?), a young woman whose wealthy family owns a chain of profitable restaurants in New York,
has won 23 million dollars in the NY lotto. This raises an interesting question: 'Nikki Varcudas(sp?), will you
marry me?' "
"O.J. was in a different courtroom this week, attempting to regain custody of his 2 children. In order
to prove to the court how much he loves his kids, O.J. pointed out: 'Hey they are still alive aren't they?!!' "
"Demi Moore has wrapped filming on 'GI Jane' in which she plays a navy seal combat officer. Moore says
that in contrast to other Hollywood portrayals of women in the military, her character will have giant breasts."
[picture of Moore's cleavage]
"Wildlife officials in Maryland say that increased hunting will be necessary to control the state's black bear
population. Gee, I wonder if this measure would be adopted if instead of an overpopulation of black bear's, it
was an overpopulation of rich, old, white men."
("Applaud Now" flashes on the screen)
"The New York city transit authority plans to put up signs in subway stations asking city residents to be
more polite when getting on and off the subway. Most New Yorkers say the idea sounds great and that the new
signs will make excellent urinals!"
"Doctors have discovered that deer hunters are at an unusually high risk for stress-related heart attack.
Also at risk for stress-related heart attack: deer!"
"In Washington DC reporter Alan Ether was doing a story on violence at a local high school, when he was
attacked and severely beaten by a gang of students. The assailents say that they have nothing against the reporter,
they just love irony."
"80 year old Frank Sinatra recovering from a bout of pneumonia was apparently well enough last Saturday
to bet daughter Tina Sinatra that Mike Tyson would defeat Evander Holyfield. Well, Tina
made him pay the 10 dollars. Although later he had his people rough her up and take back the money."
NORM: Well just when you thought things couldn't get any worse for Bob Dole,
[real Dole walks in] ohhh...
DOLE: Hi Norm.
NORM: [startled] I was just, I was just doing...
DOLE: You had your fun now Norm, you are out of work!
NORM: What? I thought I'd just do a joke about you. I had a little...
DOLE: While you have been doing those I have been missing a lot of them. But your fun is over,
the election is over, unless there is a recount, you're out of work!
NORM: Ohh no! OK well, I guess that's it. Maybe we could go have a beer or something. How would that be?
DOLE: Be alright with me!
NORM: Alright! Bob Dole everybody. Good night folks!
