"Well, it's been a disasterous week for President Clinton; his party lost
control of the House and Senate and 31 governorships are now in Republican
hands. The only bright spot: he was completely exonerated in the murder of
Bob Crane."
"With Republicans in control of the Senate, Oregon's Bob Packwood will become
chairman of the Senate Finance Committee. In his statement, he promised to
massage the budget, goose interest rates, and, if possible, stick his tounge
down the throat of inflation."
"And in Connecticut, where I live, a house race was won by a margin of just
two votes. Well that's good. My vote still wouldn't have made any difference
at all."
[Picture of young woman shooting gun with two men holding their ears]
"Young or old. Male or female. Everyone loves to visit the White House."
"In an act of conciliation, China released 8 political prisoners this week, but
they made it clear that the other 79 million would be executed without a
trial."
"A French man who calls himself 'the Snake Man' was arrested this week after
climbing the side of a Manhatten high rise. Yep, he climbed up the side of a
high rise. Just like a snake."
"This week is taxi cab appreciation week, so to all you taxi cab drivers out
there: I'd appreciate if you take a shower once and a while." [audience cheers]
"A new hangover-free vodka is on the market. [some people go "Woo, woo!"] Ya.
The ads claim that the 80 proof vodka is so pure, it's virtually headache-
free. But before you run out and buy it, remember: it causes massive anal
bleeding."
"Dr. James Watts, a neuro-surgeon who performed the first frontal lobotomy,
died this week in Washington. If you recall, a lobotomy involves drilling
holes in the skull, and then inserting and rotating a knife to destroy brain
cells.
[pause. Enthusiastically] What a genius. He'll be missed."
"Well, Tom Cruise got ready for the premier of his new movie 'Interview with
the (a) Vampire' by sucking all the blood out of wife Nicole." [Turns to look
at picture of Cruise and Kidman. Nicole Kidman looks very pale in this
picture]
"Liza Manelli has gotten word she'll have to have a hip replacement operation.
This marks the first time in fifteen years that the name 'Liza Manelli' and
the word 'hip' have been used in the same sentence."
"George Foreman shocked the world this week... [applause] How about that, huh?
He shocked the world when after absorbing punishing blows to the head for 10
rounds, he knocked out Michael Moorer to regain the heavyweight crown. After
the fight, Foreman said he felt great and that Moorer's punches had had no
effect on him whatsoever. He then proceeded to grant a 20 minute interview to
the ring post." [Picture of Foreman kneeling down in front of ring post]
