"Late yesterday, the House subcommittee investigating Newt Gingrich finally
issued its long-awaited report recommending that the Speaker be given a reprimand
and a $300,000 fine for minor ethical violations. Gingrich has promised to
come up with the money promptly, although he admits it's going to involve giant
ethical violations."
"Meanwhile, with President Clinton's second inaugural approaching, attention
has turned to what the women will be wearing at the festivities. According to
the White House, First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton will wear a gown by Oscar
de la Renta, Tipper Gore will appear in a Jennifer George ensemble, and
attorney general Janet Reno will be outfitted by Rochester Big and Tall."
"This week in arguments before the Supreme Court, lawyers for President Clinton
asked that the sexual harrassment suit brought by Paula Jones be delayed untill
he leaves office. According to Clinton's attorney: 'If the President were hauled
into court everytime some nut accused him of sexual harrassment, he would have no time
to scare up some tail'."
"He likes scaring up the tail. OK..."
"In dramatic testimony this week at his civil trial, O.J. Simpson said he
didn't commit suicide only because, 'My mother told me you don't go to heaven
if you kill yourself.' Oddly, his mother did say, 'It's okay to kill other
people.' "
"In Atlanta this week, two separate bomb blasts rocked a building which houses
an abortion clinic. Asked if there were any suspects, an FBI spokesman said,
'We don't want to rush to judgement like we did in the Olympic Park bombing
case,' but then added, 'It's Richard Jewell.' "
"Basketball superstar Michael Jordan has scored a slamdunk with his new men's fragrance,
selling a million and a half bottles of Michael Jordan cologne in the first 2 months.
No the scent doesn't smell like Michael Jordan after a game. It smells like Patrick Ewing!"
"Smells good!"
"This week, the Reverend Jesse Jackson called for an end to his boycott of
automaker Mitsubishi, citing improvements in job opportunities for minorities,
and also the fact that he couldn't find a word that rhymes with Mitsubishi."
[skit with WU correspondent Colin Quinn on 'Apologies by the Media']
(big applause, Colin exits, Norm adds)
"I owe Colin an apology! I thought that piece would die."
"In New York, state-of-the-art, self-cleaning public toilets may soon appear
on city streets. In a survey, New Yorkers expressed their enthusiasm for the
outdoor toilets, noting that they are very easy to urinate on."
"Beginning in March, D.C. comics will change Superman's traditional red and
blue costume to a new, form-fitting bodysuit. The problem with the old
costume? Not gay enough."
"What the hell is going on in the country? That's not Superman! Alright..."
"Last week in Canasota, New York, fight promoter Don King was elected to the
International Boxing Hall of Fame. King graciously thanked the Hall of Fame
for the honor, then took all its money and left it bankrupt."
"In Springfield, Missouri, the local cable company mistakenly aired five
minutes of explicit sex scenes from the Playboy Channel on the Cartoon
Network, during an episode of 'The Flintstones.' Experts say that children who saw the
broadcast called it the greatest 'Flintstones' episode ever."
"In literary news the ever reclusive J.D. Salinger will publish his first book in
34 years. Asked what inspired him to finally write again, Salinger said 'Get the hell
off my lawn!' "
"Following the passage of a new city ordinance, strippers are forbidden to give
lap dances in the city of Houston, Texas. or as I refer to it: Nazi Germany."
"Ridiculous, completely ridiculous!"
"According to the 'U.S. News & World Report 1997 Career Guide', the best job
in the United States for the second year in a row is 'interactive business
system analyst.' However, last year's worst job, 'assistant crackwhore,' has
been replaced by a new worst job, 'crackwhore trainee'."
