"Thank you. Hi, I'm Norm Macdonald and this is 'The Fake News'."
"Newly elected Governor George Pataki says he wants to bring the death penalty
back to New York. First up: Mayor Rudy Giuliani."
(picture of President Clinton in front of a clown statue shown)
"According to a poll taken last week, if pres... if the presidential elections were
held tomorrow, the guy in the funny mask would win."
(Norm comments on the few laughs)"Maybe if I had said the word properly..."
"The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration is warning the people not to overeat
on Thanksgiving because it can make you drowsy behind the wheel. Well that's bad news for
me, you know, since after Thanksgiving dinner I usally like to drive around a while,
untill I sober up."
"Fergie, the Duchess of York, turned down a guest appearence on the hit show
'Baywatch'. Now my research has uncovered that Fergie is actually British, not German.
Which while not proving, certainly does nothing to disprove my time tested theory: Germans love
David Hasselhoff."
"George Foreman says his upcoming autobiography will be an inspiration to every
American that has tried to reach an impossible dream.
And in a related story, former heavyweight champion Michael Moorer said that he
wants his autobiography to be an inspiration to anyone who has ever been beaten up by
an old man."
"In North Dakota this week, a hunter narrowly escaped death when a
pocketknife in his breast pocket deflected a bullet shot by another hunter.
Man, you know we have too many weapons in this country when people are getting shot in
the knife."
"Judge Ito was interviewed this week, by a local TV station in Los Angeles.
Asked by the interviewer if it was appropriate for a supposedly impartial judge to be
on TV with his case still pending, Ito said, 'Maybe not, but how appropriate is it to
kill your ex-wife?' "
[skit with Judge Ito{Michael Myers} on his TV appearence]
"It was revealed today that O.J. Simpson told police that Nicole
Brown Simpson used to beat him up. He also claimed that she and Ron Goldman killed him."
"Talkshow host Ricki Lake was arrested for vandalism after demonstrating against
fur. She said wearing fur is in bad taste. Then she returned to her studio to tape a show
entitled 'Why whores get the clap'."
Yeah, Ricki Lake, you know she really is an animal lover though, she has 3 cats, 2 dogs and
a big ass that follows her around everywhere."
"Well there may be trouble in paradise, Lisa Marie Presley confirmed this week.
that she and Michael Jackson live in separate residences, 50 miles away from each
other. Lisa Marie was quoted as saying 'I guess being married to a homosexual pedophile
wasn't such a great idea after all'."
"Researchers have developed a so called 'red wine pill' which gives all of the benefits
of red wine without the alcohol. Yeah it's called a grape!"
"And that's the news. See you next time. Thank you David."
