NORM'S GAMBLING

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CONAN: You've got a vice and we have- we should talk about it here. Not the dirty, dirty sex- I don't know about that- but you're a gamblin' man, aren't ya? You like to gamble.

NORM: Well, I like to gamble LEGALLY- not with bookies. Especially not with that fu- well, anyway -- (audience laughs) Uh --

CONAN: What the hell almost happened there? You- you almost had a little meltdown there.

NORM: Yeah, well, I don't like bookies anymore. But-

CONAN: Anymore! (laughs)

NORM: I never liked --

CONAN: (mocking) "I don't like the Mafia anymore."

MIDGETS GO TO VEGAS

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NORM: And, uh- a funny thing happened there, in Atlant- in, uh, Vegas, right?

CONAN: Mm-hm.

NORM: I go there, y'know, to gamble- I meet a couple of midgets, y'know?

CONAN: A couple of midgets?

NORM: Yeah.

CONAN: Little people, I call 'em.

NORM: Well, I don't think that, uh- I don't think of people as "little people."

CONAN: (laughing) OK, your word's better.

NORM: Yeah.

CONAN: Go ahead. Anyway, you meet a couple of midgets --

NORM: I know a lot of people in show business talk about "the little people?"

CONAN: Right.

NORM: But I think everybody's the same -- (laughter) -- the midgets, the regular people --

CONAN: (uncomfortable laugh) OK -- (laughter)

NORM: Y'know? We're all human beings -- we're all human beings --

CONAN: "We're all human beings." That's good. You're not- that's good. You have a good attitude.

NORM: -- several of us are, y'know, short and have weird, big heads. (laughter) So, anyways, these guys -- (laughter continues) -- these guys- these guys --

CONAN: My neck went out there for a second, but it's better now. But you---

NORM: These- these two midgets, man, they were the funniest dudes. And one of them was telling me that him and his buddy decided to get a couple, uh- of prostitutes, y'know? Because midgets, they can't have, uh- sex very much with the women, y'know? And, uh- (laughter) -- so they say, "we'll get a couple of prostitutes -- "

CONAN: I didn't know that, but OK- yeah -- (laughter)

NORM: So they say, "Let's get a couple of prostitutes," right? So the other midget goes, "Hey, man, that's great." So, uh --

CONAN: What are they- Cheech & Chong? (laughter) What- you (have) two midgets like- "Hey dude!" "Yeah, man! That sounds heavy!"

NORM: (laughing) Well, you know --

CONAN: Alright, alright, alright.

NORM: So, the midgets, uh- one- the one midget- they-Anyway, they get their two prostitutes, y'know? And they take 'em up to their room, y'know, in the hotel? And, uh (laughing)- so -- the one midget, he gets in the room with the girl, y'know?

CONAN: They're in separate rooms here?

NORM: Yeah- separate rooms, but they're enjoining?

CONAN: OK- right, right.

NORM: So, the one midget, he gets the- the prostitute, and he wants to have sex with her, but he'd been drinking a lot, so he had trouble, like, performing, y'know? Y'know --

CONAN: (somber) Yes, I know. (big laugh)

NORM: Nobody knows better than you about that.

CONAN: (sneering) Yeah. (both laugh)

NORM: So, um- uh- the one midget, he gets in with his girl, but he's too, uh- drunk to perform, and he feels real bad, right?

CONAN: (snickering) Uh-huh.

NORM: So then- this is what the guy was tellin' me, the midget- He goes down, uh- Oh, yeah- No, then afterwards, he says, "OK, get out, ya dirty whore," y'know? He blamed her, y'know?

CONAN: Right, blames her- OK.

NORM: So she leaves, and, uh- then he's feelin' all bad. So he listens, with a glass, to the next room where his buddy is, with his prostitute?

CONAN: Right.

NORM: And he hears, like, uh- in the next room, he hears, uh- "One, two- (grunting) Unh! One, two- Aaagh! One, two- Unh! One, two- Aaagh!"

CONAN: Right, right --

NORM: "One, two- Aaagh!"

CONAN: -- right -- (laughter) Stop- stop doing it. (laughter)

NORM: (laughing) Yeah- OK. So he goes, "Oh, that dirty, dirty midget's having some fun sex over there," y'know? So- now -- (laughter)

CONAN: He calls him a midget, too??

NORM: (laughing) Yeah --

CONAN: But HE'S a midg- Alright- but anyways --

NORM: So he feels bad, y'know?

CONAN: Right.

NORM: And the next day, man, he meets his buddy midget at the- at the coffee shop. He goes -- (laughter) -- And the guy goes, "Hey, man, how'd it go last night?" And the one guy goes, "Aw, man, it was horrible, y'know? I was too drunk. I couldn't perform with my prostitute." He goes, "But it sounds like YOU had a good time." And then, the other guy- midget goes, "What, are you kiddin'? I couldn't even get up into the bed!" I was -- (loud sustained laughing and cheers)

CONAN: Y'know, isn't it lucky you ran into those guys- 'cause it's such a good story!

NORM: I know. Oh, it's a happy ending- they did very good at baccarat and they, uh-

CONAN: (laughing) They were happy!

ANDY DOESN'T LIKE GAY PORN

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NORM: I was talkin' to Andy before the show --

CONAN: Mm-hm?

NORM: And apparently, I made a mistake one time on the show -- (Andy laughs) -- where I intimated that maybe Andy was into gay porno? Ya remember that? (laughter)

CONAN: I didn't, but now I do, yeah.

NORM: Which he was not- which he is not into, and I never meant to intimate that he was gay in any way --

CONAN: Right,

NORM: -- just that he had an obsession with watching gay porno. (laughter)

ANDY: There- there is a difference, of course. (laughter)

CONAN: Uh- huh.

NORM: Every- everybody loves gay porno!

ANDY: Right!

CONAN: Exactly! What's not to like?

NORM: So, anyways --

ANDY: Apple pie, baseball --

NORM: (laughing) So I said- so I said I'm sorry. He said, y'know- I said I'm sorry about that.

CONAN: Right.

NORM: And I said I would never mention again his alleged obsession with gay porno.

CONAN: Right.

NORM: And I- and- I won't. (laughter) But anyways --

CONAN: We're gonna run that on a loop -- (laughing) -- play it over and over again.

NORM: No, he's, uh- he's got a wife.

CONAN: Yeah- I know. (laughter) Whatta ya talkin' about?!! I know that!

NORM: I'm just saying- Have you ever met her?

CONAN: YES!!

NORM: OK, good.

CONAN: (laughing) What are you TALKING about?!

ANDY: (laughing) Yes, she does exist.

CONAN: She does exist.

NORM: Yeah, I KNOW she exists, yeah!

CONAN: Yeah!

NORM: That's what I'm tryin' to tell the people! I don't want them to think that, uh- Andy's into gay- There's nothin' wrong with bein' gay -- (laughter) -- unless you're not gay, and then there's something horribly wrong with it.

CONAN: (laughing) That's when it goes awry?

NORM: Yeah, that's when it's the worse thing you can be is gay- when you're not gay.

CONAN: Right. If it's all a misunderstanding.

NORM: Yeah.

SECRET GAY GUYS

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NORM: When I was a kid --

CONAN: Yeah?

NORM: -- and I'd be hitchhiking- I always hitchhiked home when I was a young kid?

CONAN: Yeah.

NORM: And, uh- (chuckling) these guys- The only guys that would pick up you- that'd pick you up to hitchhike were these, uh- old secret gay guys. (laughter) And they'd- they'd drive in their station wagons, right?- so that you knew they had a family -- And then they'd get in the car- they'd go, (gruff voice) "Come on in, there, buddy," and -- (laughter) So, you'd be (singing) "doodly-do," you just wanna get home -- (laughter)

CONAN: What were you going -- You weren't going "doodly-do!" (laughter and cheers)

NORM: You just wanna get home, and then they'd throw out, like, subtle hints, y'know? Like they'd go, uh- (gruff voice) "Ahh- I got some beer in the trunk." (laughter) Then I go, no --

CONAN: So Bob Dole picked you up! (laughter and cheers)

NORM: (unintelligible- maybe "No, he does- yeah")

CONAN: (laughing) You just- that's the one guy you do- (gruff) "Hey- I got some beer in the trunk!!"

NORM: Yeah, I do that one voice --

A VISIT WITH ROSHUMBA

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CONAN: You like (unintelligible) that're sincere --

ROSHUMBA: Yes.

CONAN: What about gifts? Are gifts a good idea, or does that put too much --

ROSHUMBA: Gifts are good, gifts are- gifts are really, really nice, but I don't like, like- I- I dated a guy once -- Well, we dated and we broke up and, to get back together, he gave me, like, this little G-string outfit, y'know, like this little- And I was, like, wait a minute. That's for YOU- that's not for ME. So, stuff like that is not good. Another guy gave me a keychain- a plastic kle- keychain --

CONAN: Well, that guy is a moron! (laughter) "How do I get the supermodel back? Hey- look! A dollar-ninety-nine at the airport! 'I heart New Jersey.'" (laughter) Is it- well, he really gave you a keychain?

ROSHUMBA: He gave me a plastic- I was gonna bring it out, but I couldn't get it off of my keys, so I left it backstage, but he gave me a keychain!

NORM: Why didn't you bring out the G-string? (laughs and cheers)

ROSHUMBA: Norm!

CONAN: (laughing) I love that my dirty uncle's here for this tonight! (as dirty uncle) "I'll tell ya whatcha gotta do- Ya gotta bring out that G-STRING!!" (laughter) Uh-

ROSHUMBA: Now- Norm, I- I like guys who appeal to, like, the little, y'know --

CONAN: Wait a minute!! (to Norm) Why are you looking at yourself while SHE'S here?

NORM: Because I'm deathly pale! (laughter)

ROSHUMBA: Let me see.

NORM: Look- see?

ROSHUMBA: You look good --

NORM: I look like Nosferatu! (laughter)

CONAN: I love that you're sitting next to Roshumba, who's wearing that, and you're going (admiring self) "Aww!" (laughter) (to Roshumba) Ah- you're writing a book --

ROSHUMBA: Yes.

CONAN: "How To Be A Model."

ROSHUMBA: Yes- the complete idiot's guide to getting into modelling.

CONAN: So, like, Rule Number One- "Be incredibly beautiful?" (laughter)

NORM: Right.

CONAN: I mean, what are the things that you can do-

NORM: (interrupting) I know- I know Rule Number Two --

CONAN & ROSHUMBA: Yeah?/What?

NORM: "Don't be a midget." (laughter & cheers)

ROSHUMBA: Stop it! OK, OK, OK- alright, alright -- (applause continues, finally dies down) I just have one question. OK- we'll talk about the book, but what is this fasci- -

CONAN: (What if there's) a really good-lookin' small person watching the show right now who feels terrible that you just said that?

ROSHUMBA: Well, I just have one question- What is this fascination that guys have with prostitutes? That's all I wanna know.

CONAN: Uhh- gee. Let's think about that. (laughter)

NORM: I'll tell ya what the fascination is.

ROSHUMBA: What? (laughter)

CONAN: Go, Norm, go!

NORM: Instead of, uh- going out and spending money on a, uh- keychain and a G-string (laughter), you spend money on, uh- sex.

ROSHUMBA: OK- I'm sorry. (laughter) Forget it!- Anyways --

CONAN: (to Norm) You know, it's so much more informative with you here. You're getting all this stuff that I wouldn't have the nerve to get!

THANKS: Brian Soule for transcribing this appearance.