MERRY CHRISTMAS, HOMELESS BUM

This segment is available in RealAudio format. (460k/3.40 mins.)

NORM: It was Christmas in New York, y'know? And I was alone, so anyways there was a diner that I always go to near my house. It was a really nice diner. So I went there, and there was this homeless bum there, you know? [Laughter]

CONAN: Just say a "homeless guy". It's not politically correct to say "bum". Like you say "homeless bum."

NORM: No, I thought they didn't like to be called bums.

CONAN: Yeah, right. A homeless guy.

NORM: Okay, well anyways.

CONAN: I'm not going to let you get through this story, I'm just going to keep giving you a hard time about bums. You need a-give me a bum, a hobo, a tramp.

NORM: A tramp, yeah. They had a little stick with his name on it.

CONAN: He was from the 1930's, yeah OK.

NORM: So he says to me, he says: "Can I get some money off ya?" And I don't like givin' the homeless bums money, I'll tell you why. 'Cause I figure they'll do the crack. My mom says never give homeless bums money, 'cause they'll go do the crack. So I said, okay, I don't want to give this guy money, so I go to the guy, I says "Why don't I just bring you in the diner and I'll get you a meal, buy you a meal." Christmas you know, be nice. So the guy goes "okay". So we go to the diner, and we order a meal, and this guy just keeps ordering food, you know? Like he's really hungry. And so he orders and orders and orders! And I'm like "Well you got to be nice, y'know?" And so I order like a soup or something. And then, all of the sudden, like, this unbearable stench comes off the guy, huge stench!

CONAN: Really?

NORM: It's not like, uh huh --

CONAN: That's okay.

NORM: I didn't know what the smell was. It was like human waste or something. And it seemed to be coming from the guy's like trousers. [Laughter]

CONAN: Norm, I said "That's okay." That's enough, we all can do the rest in our heads.

NORM: You're right. So this stench fills the diner, right? So I have to go to this diner, so everyone's looking at me, like "What the hell'd you bring a homeless bum in the diner for? With this stench, you know?" So I'm like ah, I'm trying to eat my soup, and I can't even eat it. And I'm wishin' I'd bought this guy crack, you know what I mean? I wish I'd gone found some crack, and bought it for the guy. So anyways, and everybody hates me, the guy, I go there every day. So then, the end of the meal comes, this guy's ordered everything! And I look at my wallet, I only have like 28 bucks, it was like 31 bucks, and I ordered the soup. And so, uh, now basically we're too homeless bums. I go look buddy, he's been jabbering about Rockefeller, I didn't know what he was talking about, so I go "Look, buddy, you got to come up with something here." [Laughter]

CONAN: You want him to --

NORM: Yeah. He ate almost everything, I had a soup, he had like a hamburger. So the guy goes into his pocket, and I didn't want him to-God knows what he has in his pocket, right? But he had some-uh-coins and they were all gross, and some of them were black. Anyways, that's my Christmas story. [Laughter]

CONAN: [Laughing] Man, wow! You're like Garrison Keillor over here. "And some of the coins were black. Good night ladies and gentlemen. That's a nice story.

PAMELA ANDERSON

This segment is available in RealAudio format. (89k/42 sec.)

NORM: Pamela Anderson is married, that's in the news.

CONAN: That's right, that's definitely in the news. To rocker Tommy Lee.

NORM: And she's pregnant. She's gonna have a baby. So I was readin' there, there deciding what to call the baby, understand?

CONAN: I'm with you so far, yeah. [Laughs]

NORM: They say if the baby's a girl, they're gonna name it after the mother, so they're going to call it "Pamela". But if the girl's-the baby's a boy, they're gonna name it after the father, they're gonna call it, uh, "Lucky bastard." [Laughter]

CONAN: You told me with such joy! That's a promise of joy and commitment! That alone will get you an Emmy! [Applause]

MICHAEL JACKSON

This segment is available in RealAudio format. (97k/46 sec.)

CONAN: This is a field day for you. As you know, it just came over the wire, not hours ago, Lisa Marie Michael Jackson. What do you think of that?

NORM: I just heard that, before we went on. Lisa Marie and Michael Jackson are getting divorced. And they cited irreconcilable differences. And I have the inside story, I heard, that Lisa Marie was actually, behind Michael's back, she was fooling around with another homosexual pedophile. He didn't even know about! Is that crazy? Women? Women, huh? That's women for ya'!

CONAN: [Laughing] Oh, you blew that here, you could'a used that on the "update" for ya!

NORM: Yeah, I was thinkin'.

THANKS: Matt Hebert for sharing his collection with us. G. Allan Rollinger and Cody Snook for transcribing this appearance.