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First: Sept. 24, 1994
Nov. 12, 1994
Nov. 19, 1994
Sept. 28, 1996
Oct. 5, 1996
Oct. 19, 1996
Oct. 26, 1996
Nov. 2, 1996
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Nov. 16, 1996
Nov. 23, 1996
Dec. 7, 1996
Dec. 14, 1996
Jan. 11, 1997
Jan. 18, 1997
Feb. 8, 1997
Feb. 15, 1997
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Feb. 22, 1997
March 15, 1997
March 22, 1997
April 12, 1997
April 19, 1997
May 10, 1997
May 17, 1997
Final: Dec. 13, 1997
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EDITOR'S NOTE: This is it. SNL's first episode of the '94 fall season -- Steve Martin hosts with musical guest Eric Clapton. It's Norm's first fake newscast, after the dismal reign of Kevin Nealon. Notice the subject of the first story. -N!
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Thank you. I'm Norm Macdonald and now -- the fake news. Yesterday, [O.J.] Simpson trial judge Lance Ito allowed that mystery envelope to
bed -- and it appears Simpson may have already won 10 million dollars.
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Haitian general Raul Cedras, who will be stepping down in two weeks, held
a hasty garage sale of some knick-knacks he'd acquired while in office.
[Picture of a pile of skulls appears. Some in audience react badly.] You're
big fans of the Haitian strongman, are ya?
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Another breakthrough in the Middle East. Arab and Israeli negotiators,
working through the night, accidentally resolved the baseball strike.
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And film maker Ken Burns has announced that, following his baseball
series, his next documentary project will be a 12-hour, eight-part "History
of the Dorky Haircut."
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Former First Lady Barbara Bush published her memoirs this month. Readers
were shocked by her revelation that while living at the White House, she
had sex with former president George Bush.
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Scientists in Africa have discovered the oldest known human ancestor, born
4.4 million years ago. Although unearthed only days ago, he is already
engaged to Anna Nicole Smith.
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The first deaf Miss America, Heather Whitestone, was crowned last week in
Atlantic City. Although completely deaf, she is an expert lip reader.
[Conceals mouth with hand.] Personally, I don't think she's that pretty,
y'know? Not my cup of tea.
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Postal authorities removed a cigarette from a photo of blues artist Robert
Johnson to help dignify the musician in a new stamp they've issued in his
honor. This isn't the first time the post office has altered a photograph.
In fact, the original photo used on the Elvis stamp [stamp with Elvis
singing into microphone is shown] was based on this photo [same picture as
before, but microphone is replaced by a giant sandwich.] The King enjoying
a hoagie!
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A recent consumer poll shows that 'Hershey' is America's favorite company,
while 'Phillip-Morris' is America's least favorite. In the middle -- the
company that makes chocolate cigarettes --right in the middle.
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Well, a South African professor claims that the Shroud of Turin was
created in the Middle Ages, using techniques similar to photography.
Backing up his claim is the recent unearthing of a two-thousand-year-old
"Your Face On A Shroud" concession booth.
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Last month, an 80-year-old Albuquerque woman was awarded over two million
dollars in damages from McDonald's after she spilled some of their coffee
in her lap and suffered severe burns. As a result, McDonald's this week has
put a warning label on its coffee cups that reads: "Caution: Do you think
you can manage to avoid pouring it directly on your crotch this time, you
senile old hag? Think you can manage that, huh?"
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And "The Shawshank Redemption" picked up the New York Film Festival's
coveted award for the stupidest movie title.
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In Washington, a 410-pound convicted killer is fighting his execution on
constitutional grounds. He claims that, if he is hanged, his head will be
completely torn from his body, which would amount to "cruel and unusual
punishment." Now, having your head completely torn from your body is cruel,
I'll grant you, but is it really that unusual?
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Well, David Hasselhoff is a huge rock star in Germany, where his latest
album sold 5 million copies this week -- which once again proves my theory: Germans love David Hasselhoff.
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A truck full of chickens overturned on the Long Island expressway
yesterday. Hundreds of chickens crossed the road, but nobody's been able to
figure out why. And that's all for now. Good night and good luck.
THANKS: Guy Gardner for sharing his collection with us and Brian Soule for transcribing the update.
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