EXT. HIGH SCHOOL PARKING LOT - DAY

Mitch and Sam pull into a spot in Mitch's Pontiac. TEN 17-YEAR-OLD FOOTBALL PLAYERS go over to Mitch and Sam.

MITCH (VOICE OVER)

But don't get the idea that we only took revenge against weak kids, because nothing could be further from the truth.

FOOTBALL PLAYER

Hey, this is football team parking.

MITCH 16YRS

No it isn't. Football team parking is in your mother.

INT. DUMPSTER - DAY

Mitch is thrown into the dumpster.

MITCH (VO)

The one bad thing about being skinny, is that it really hurts when your fat friend lands on top of you...

Sam LANDS ON TOP OF MITCH.

EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY

The Football Players are eating donuts out of a box on the hood of a car. As a Football Player is EATING the last donut, he sees a Polaroid picture in the bottom of the box.

MITCH (VO)

To get back at those football players we turned to "the donut trick" ...

The Polaroid is of MITCH AND SAM EACH WITH A STACK OF DONUTS OVER THEIR PENISES. He SPITS OUT his donut.

MITCH (VO)
(cont'd)

...and we did the same exact thing to...

We PAN OVER to the next car, where there is another box of donuts and CHEERLEADERS SPITTING OUT DONUTS, except for ONE cheerleader staring at a Polaroid and eating her donut.

MITCH (VO)
(cont'd)

...the cheerleaders. Actually, with the cheerleaders, it was less of a revenge and more of an effort to impress them.

In this Polaroid, Mitch and Sam have piled on a lot of extra donuts to make their penises seem longer.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

EDITOR'S NOTE: This next scene was in the movie, but some of the dialogue was taken out in reference to a porno Pops was watching.

INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT

Pops sits on the couch watching a PORNO. Mitch and Sam sit on the couch with beers, not paying attention to him.

POPS
(to no one in particular)

Boys, when it comes to grace, elegance, and sheer beauty of the feminine form, nothing even comes close to the majesty of the vagina.

MITCH

Sam, that felt great tonight, getting back at those guys like that.

SAM

I have to admit Mitch, what you did was brilliant. You're the king of revenge, man.

POPS

PIPE DOWN! I'm tryin' to watch these broads dyke-out!

SAM
(to Mitch, low voice)

Hey, you want another beer?

Mitch nods. Sam leaves.

POPS

Say. Mitch, could you come over here?

MITCH

I'm not falling for that one again.

Pops suddenly looks pained, as he motions Mitch over.

POPS

I think I'm having a heart attack.

MITCH

Not gonna work.

POPS
(very shaky)

I'm not kidding Mitch. But if you don't believe me, at least hit fast-forward, so the last thing I see on earth isn't that sweaty guy's reaction shot.

Angle on TV as we see a FAT SWEATY HAIRY BIKER TYPE GRUNT in ecstasy

- - - - - - - - - - - -

EDITOR'S NOTE: This scene is from the opera night where Mitch and Sam get back at Travis Cole)

MAYOR KENNETH RIGGINS walks on stage with a microphone as the house lights go down. A white screen drops in front of the curtain and the slide image of Travis Cole and his Chihuahua appear.

MAYOR
(into mic)

Hello everyone, I'm your Mayor, Kenneth Riggins. Before tonight's opera, we're going to take a moment to recognize the man who made this night possible, the best friend this city ever had, Travis Cole.

The AUDIENCE APPLAUDS.

ANGLE ON COLE'S PRIVATE BOX

Cole, with Chihuahua, is beaming with pride.

ANGLE ON STAGE

MAYOR
(cont'd, into mic)

Travis is a friend to the homeless.

The next slide is of Cole, out in front of his building with a crazy gleam in his eye, SHOOTING A FLAMETHROWER at a bunch of PANICKED HOMELESS PEOPLE. Audience GASPS

ANGLE ON COLE'S BOX

COLE

What the?

ANGLE ON STAGE

MAYOR
(into mic)

He's a friend to the underprivileged youth.

The next slide is a smiling Cole dressed as Santa Claus at an orphanage. He's greeting a BUNCH OF LITTLE BOYS with a bag of presents but the boys are HORRIFIED, because Cole's Santa outfit does not include pants. Or underwear. Audience GASPS again.

ANGLE ON COLE'S BOX

Cole angrily takes out a walkie talkie.

COLE
(into walkie talkie)

Jenkins, get down on the floor and stop this slide show!

INT. STAFF LOCKER ROOM - DAY

A walkie talkie sits on the floor...

COLE
(VO from walkie talkie)

Jenkins! Come in! Come in Jenkins!

.....as the hallucinating HENCHMEN get a dance lesson from FRED "RE-RUN" BERRY of the sitcom "What's Happening."

RE-RUN

Okay, now try this one.

Re-Run does one of his cool dance moves, which the henchman attempt to replicate.

INT. OPERA HOUSE - BACK OF AUDITORIUM

Sam is running the slide projector. Martin (the homeless man) is with him.

MARTIN

On this next one, Sam, he made me take the picture.

ANGLE ON STAGE

MAYOR

But most of all ladies and gentlemen, Travis Cole is a friend to his constant companion, Spunky.

The next slide is Cole, sitting in his office, naked, wearing a fire hydrant costume with his face sticking out of the top. His MOUTH IS WIDEas he holds his FRIGHTENED Chihuahua, Spunky, over his head, facing the camera. The Audience GASPS LOUDER, causing the Mayor to finally turn and look at the screen.

MAYOR
(into mic)

Holy shit!

(regaining composure)

I mean, enjoy the opera everyone!

- - - - - - - - - - - -

EDITOR'S NOTE: The "blow up doll" and "ass cream" notes-to-self were different in the original script. They were, "Note to self: Find out if other guy's penises are the same length erect as they are flaccid" and "Note to self: Shitting pants is unpleasant, even with adult diaper.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

EDITOR'S NOTE: This last scene comes at the very end of the movie.

INT. PONTIAC.

Mitch drives. Kathy is next to him.

KATHY

So, I guess you realize now there's another side to this dirty work stuff.

MITCH

What do you mean? We saved Pops, we saved your grandmother's building...

KATHY

Yes, but a lot of those problems were made worse when this element of revenge was brought into it. I definitely think what goes around, comes around.

MITCH

Maybe, but there are times when revenge is completely acceptable. Like the other day, I'm standing outside, minding my own business, and these ten frat guys beat the hell out of me. How about that?

KATHY

Sure. In that case, I guess those guys deserve something.

EXT. STREET CORNER, DAY

Mitch is dialing a pay phone. Kathy stands with him.

KATHY

I don't think I can do this.

MITCH

Okay, you don't have to do it then.

Mitch hands Kathy the phone, surprising her.

INT. ALDO'S PIZZA

Aldo answers the phone.

ALDO
(into phone)

Aldo's Pizza.

INTERCUT PHONE CONVERSATION

KATHY
(into phone)

Um, hi, can you tell me what's taking so long with the ten cheese pizzas we ordered an hour ago.

ALDO

What? Missy, I didn't get no order for ten pizzas?

KATHY

No, we didn't get the order, which I guess means they're free now, since it's way past a half hour. Now I suggest you bring these pizzas to 211 Sunset Drive, quick, unless you want my boyfriend Jason to kick the crap out of you.

ALDO
(getting angry)

He's gonna kick the crap out of --

KATHY

Hey, douchebag, you got shit in your ears or what? Hang up the phone and bring the free pizzas. Got it?

ALDO
(fuming)

Oh, I'll be down there, but I ain't bringing no pizza!

INT. FRAT HOUSE - DAY

Jason, Terry, and the other Frat Guys are EATING DONUTS. Jason picks up a polaroid from the bottom of the box and looks at it. Then HE SPITS OUT THE DONUT.

ANGLE ON POLAROID

Mitch and Sam are naked, except for the donuts on their dicks and fraternity baseball hats on their heads. They are smiling.

ANGLE ON JASON

JASON

They're gonna die for this!

EXT FRAT HOUSE - DAY

Aldo and EIGHT BIG GUYS from the pizzeria are at the front door, which Aldo RINGS. Jason the outside door, but not the screen door.

ALDO

You Jason?

JASON
(annoyed)

Who wants to know?

Aldo PUNCHES HIM in the face THROUGH the SCREEN DOOR. Aldo's guys then WREAK HAVOC on the Frat Guys and their house.

INT./EXT. PONTIAC - DAY

Mitch and Kathy are in the Pontiac. Kathy is driving.

MITCH

Now admit it, that was fun.

KATHY

I'm not admitting anything. (beat) But maybe in an hour we sick that Mexican place down the street on them.

MITCH

I vote for the Chinese place. I don't know if you realize this, but all Chinese people know karate.

KATHY
(laughing)

All Chinese people do not necessarily know karate. Oh Mitch, what am I going to do with you?

MITCH

Note to self... refrain from saying something really dirty here.