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THE WINNER
"Which proves my theory: Movie critics hate night-caps."
Jim Leroux
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TOO GOOD NOT TO SHARE
"Wow, I never thought I could sleep comfortably in a car with a dead hooker in the trunk."
Payman Abdollahi
Motivated by his recent defeat at the hands of latent homosexual frat boys, Mitch experiments with the highly
questionable "dead possum" martial-art stance.
Alex
"ZZZ... Now that your head has been chopped off, Mr. Ohlmeyer, we'll stuff some crabcake down your neck... ZZZZ...
whores... ZZZZZ."
Boogaloo
So long as he lives under his mother's roof, he'll dress as he's told.
Mike Bass
Try as he might, Norm just could not have "normal" dreams.
Guy Bass
After three consecutive nights without sleep our hero finally cures his in insomnia by counting crack pipes.
Matt Hebert
TWAS THE NORM BEFORE CHRISTMAS!
"Twas the Night Before Christmas, when all through the house;
not a crack whore was stirring, they'd even drugged the mouse!
Don Ohlmeyer was hung, from the rafters with care;
in hopes that St. Nicholas, wouldn't notice him there!
The crack whores were nestled, all snug in their beds;
while visions of "Dirty Work", danced in their heads!
And Cindy in her Frederick's, and I in my cap;
had just embarked, on doing the "Wild Thing Rap!"
When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter;
I sprang from the saddle, to see what was the matter!
Down the stairs half-naked, I flew like a bat;
well, maybe three-quarters, I was wearin' my cap!
The moon on her breasts, looked like new-fallen snow;
so I wished I was upstairs, instead of down here below!
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear;
eight FBI Agents, probably looking for beer!
What a little ol' SWAT Team, so lively and quick;
Ya had to know--it was led by some prick!
NOW DASHER! NOW DANCER! Now PRANCER and VIXEN!
I could see that their code names, sure could use fixin'!
On COMET! ON BLITZEN! On DONNER and CUPID!
Make mental note: these boys must be STUPID!
They were all over the porch! They were all over the walls!
I had to get out of here, crack whores and all!
As sure as a turd is known to draw flies;
the Press had their helicopters up in the sky.
So up to the house top the Press Corps they flew;
every last paparrazi, trying to get a better view!
And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof;
Someone was TINKLING--boy what a GOOF!
So I gave them the finger, and was turning around;
Down the chimney, the FBI came with a bound!
They was dressed all in black, from their heads to their feet;
They were straight from Sprockets, they really looked neat!
Rifles and bullets were strung on their backs;
And their leader was standin' there, grabbin' his pack!
His eyes--how they twinkled! His dimples--how merry!
(Since when is the FBI hiring fairies!?)
His droll little mouth, was drawn up like a bow;
when he asked, 'Where's Macdonald!?', I said 'Heck! I don't know!'
The stump of a cigar, he held in his teeth;
when he said: 'Who do I look like--Yasmine Bleeth!?'
He had a broad face, and a little round belly;
sponsored by Krusty Kreme doughnuts with jelly!
They were chubby and plump, and proud of themselves;
And I laughed when I saw them, they all looked like Elvis!
Well, they all got serious--looked me straight in the eye;
said: tell us where Macdonald is, or YOU'RE GONNA DIE!
I had to tell them, since these guys were no "goobs";
he's right up them stairs--he's the guy with the boobs!
They spoke not a word, went straight to their work;
they all went right past me, led by this jerk!
They took Cindy Crawford and left all her clothes;
and went up the chimney, with the wrong person in tow!
As they dragged off Cindy, the Press gave her a whistle;
And away they all flew, like a heat-seeking missile!
So, now you see me as I lay here and sleep;
This is Norm Macdonald, that's the news for this week!
Mark S. Daniels
"First thing in the morning, I GOTTA remember to look for my matching pajama bottoms!!"
Jonathon F.
"If only my movie would have done better I wouldn't have lost my house."
Derik H.
In other news, former SNL star Norm Macdonald was cryogenically frozen this week after having overdosed on cheap booze.
Said Norm in a written will, "I want to look ridiculous when I am frozen. Maybe that way I can sneak into heaven."
Aaron Katzman
Just wait 'til he wakes up and sees that stupid hat I put on him.
Buck Newman
"Mmmm ... dirty sex."
Chris McCluskey
After Norm had valiantly slayed the fire breathing dragon, he knew he deserved a hard earned rest.
Chris Moore
Dreaming about the close-up picture of Jennifer Love Hewitt's breasts that he saw displayed on The Fake News website.
Josh Patterson
"NOTE TO SELF: Impossible to work tape recorder while sleeping."
Brad Robertson
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