Canadian Norm fans! Now, not only do you get free healthcare and ubiquitous hockey games, you also get reruns of ‘Norm’! Anyone lucky enough to live in Toronto, Ottawa, Kitchener, Central Ontario, Calgary, or Edmonton, your CTV station is running ‘Norm’ at 5:30 pm (except Edmonton where the show’s on at 4:30). Excited of Monday's announcement, Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chrétien announced, “I now invite all of you in American to come on up to Canada, we could really use the boost in population. And to all of you in Mexico, stay there.”

	From left to right: Norm, Norm, Norm, Norm, Norm, Norm, Norm, Norm, Norm, Norm, Norm, Norm. .

Ok, so our "Save Norm" campaign didn't go over too well. I guess not everyone sent in those letters. But we at The Fake News would like to thank those that did anyway.

So, for those of you who took the time to write those letters, you're being rewarded! Only you get to view the new additions to our archives and weekend update page. Only you can see all four Celebrity Jeopardy's. Those other people don't get to watch Norm's Quentin Tarantino and Dave Letterman impressions. We're giving you fourteen new weekend update installments, and so much more, available in our archives section. All of this brought to you, in the most part, by our new archiver, joeb.

And for those of you that didn't write to ABC, you're being punished. Your penalty, go to this guy's web page, look at all his pictures, and think about what you did wrong.

As movie studios almost always do, there’s been test screenings of “The Animal” and we’ve got a report on Norm’s character. “Norm plays a random person. The scene involves him and twenty people who are out to hunt a "beast" in the woods. He asks the ranking cop at the scene a lot of redundant questions.” Thanks Dita for the tip, and for writing half of this article for me.

	| The annual ABC programming meeting held in The Sixth Circle of Hell. .

Three seasons of 'Norm', that's all we get. Seems like it was ABC's idea all along to limit the show to this. After ratings slipped a bit second season in the Wednesday night timeslot, ABC had the ingenious idea of moving the show to Fridays. And not only Fridays, but Fridays after "Two Guys and a Girl and a Strand of Mutated DNA". So predictably the show got even worse ratings, and the programming executives at ABC where able to cancel a perfectly good show with a clear conscious.

There's no word yet on whether any other networks like UPN, or WB will offer to pick up the show, but folks, don't get your hopes up. The WB released its schedule today as well, and it's already jam-packed with the usual trite bullshit. And, since 'Norm' doesn't have any magical sorcerers, futuristic crime fighters, or "homegirls", don't expect UPN to take much interest.

However, we can at least delight in the fact that "Two Guys and a Girl and a This is the Last Time You'll Ever See This Joke" also didn't get renewed. That leaves the entire Friday at 8 pm hourfor the next doomed sitcom to live out its last days.

And in more evidence that ABC is run by morons, "Criminal Mastermind" was not picked up for development for the fall season. "Criminal Mastermind", for those of you who don't know, was a truly original comedy slated to feature a prison inmate telling stories about his unlawful exploits and uneventful capture starring "Kids In The Hall" alum, Mark McKinney.

So now the total number of entertaining programs featured on The Alphabet Network comes to a grand total of zero, and you're now free to remove ABC from your VCR's channel list. We'll let you know if anything interesting pops up, but in the meantime, I think it's safe to say that reruns of News Radio are our only source of quality entertainment.

That is, until Norm appears in his next project (real project, that is, not this Dr Dolittle 2, Animal, business). And have no fear gang, Norm will come back. Remember, he's a talented guy; he just needs to find his niche. And even if he can't find another decent gig, rest assured that The Fake News will be giving frequent reports on his plights as a Nightclub DJ, Community College Instructor, Gay Porn Star, or any other career 'Our Hero' chooses to pursue.

The five members of 'O-Town'.

The numbers are in:

Maybe it's the leprosy, maybe people are sick of boy bands that look and sound alike, maybe it's because the show lacks crack heads and wiener dogs, but only about 3.6 million people like "Making the Band." That's a significantly smaller audience than "Norm" was getting.

ABC plans to air the remaining 11 episodes of "Making the Band" this summer, in hopes that the show will be able to beat summer reruns in the ratings. That gives Max Wright plenty of time for rehab.

In "Making the Band"s place, ABC has decided to run two half-hour episodes of "Whose Line Is It Anyway" throughout May for sweeps. The first absently advertised installment of "Whose Line" averaged a 3.2 in the ratings. We've still got mathematicians at MIT crunching the numbers on this one, but we're almost certain 3.2 is smaller than 3.6.

Julie’s brain, The Fake News’ exclusive source.

"Ow! My face! What a slap!!" Norm MacDonald might have said if I had his phone number to ask him what he thinks about ABC finally moving his show to Wednesday night, after 'Two Guys and a Girl'. "When my fans wanted my show to be on Wednesday nights, they meant after 'The Drew Carey Show,' of course," he might have continued.

'Two Guys and a Girl' was relocated to Wednesday nights at the beginning of May. The ratings for that time slot, and those for 'My Wife and Kids' during the same hour, immediately went down.

"If now the show finally gets decent ratings," Wiener Dog could be signaling with his tail, "I swear to God, I’m gonna go to the ABC headquarters, bark like crazy, and lay a big turd on their doorstep."

And finally, when breached for an imaginary comment Max Wright asked "Got any crack? Because in a time like this, I could really use some crack."

	The Fake News reader, Michael Radochia. .

Upon hearing that The Fake News reader Michael actually likes 'Two Guys and a Girl', ABC has decided to just run a full hour of the show Wednesday night, instead of the half hour of 'Norm' planned for the eight-thirty time slot. chat rooms . Buy Anabolic Steroids "We thought everyone hated [Two Guys and a Girl]," said Robert Damion, programming director for ABC, "but it turns out, this one guy Michael likes it, so we just decided to get rid of 'Norm' altogether." Officials at ABC are also reporting that in this hour, the only commercials to be ran will be ones featuring Gilbert Gotfried as a spokesperson, and local political commercials pleading you to sign their petitions.